You can’t have ambiva­lence when you play poker. You are either gungho rock out with your cock out, or don’t play. Poker play­ers sense weak­ness. If you dis­play any soft­ness, they WILL eat your balls. Trust me, it hurts.

Some­times my fam­ily sched­ule opens up on a night when I am com­pletely tired. It cre­ates such con­flict for me. The uni­verse con­spires to give me a free night, I should rally the troops and seize the free time. How­ever, I don’t feel up for it. Herein lies the rub.

In truth, I can’t bear to pass the oppor­tu­nity to play cards, even if I’m exhausted. I sud­denly have the feel­ing that this will be the last time. If I don’t go now, I’ll never again expe­ri­ence the exhil­a­ra­tion of poker’s body drench­ing adren­a­line rush. (That sounds gay).

Nine times out of ten I go, and nine times out of nine, I lose. Not only that, I start off losing.

After 2 buy-ins, I buckle down. By 2AM, I have actu­ally ral­lied back to even. I con­sider leav­ing, but 2 things cross my mind. First, I hate the idea of play­ing poker for 6 hours and break­ing even. It sounds stu­pid, but I would rather lose than break even. At least I have some­thing to show for my time: an empty pocket. Sec­ond, if I leave now I will never ever in my whole life have the time, energy or means to come back. This will DEFINITELY be my last time ever play­ing poker. Since this IS my last time, might as well go out with a bang. A poker binge, if you will.

On these nights, I don’t leave until the absence of chips states the obvi­ous. Pal, you’re done. At 4AM, I am $400 poorer and ask myself why the fuck I even went in the first place. 3o min­utes later I am home. The moment I step through my front door, I won­der if I have any time next week­end to go back. Instantly I catch myself. What the fuck am I thinking?

If I wait until next week­end, life will get too com­pli­cated and I’ll never get there. Bet­ter go back tomorrow.

I play because I have the bug.

Why do you play? Let me know at stories@whydoiplaypoker.net

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